Posts Tagged ‘Timothy Danger’

The Dangerzone: Fatty Learns How “Reality??? Really Works

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Tim Danger and the BG Crew 2011

(Before people get mad, let me remind you I already know I am a big dude, so I can say what I want.)

So check this out…

Ashley Kauffman and her friends were super stoked to get free front row tickets to see this ultra realistic show about real talent and hard work called “American Idol???.

You know that show right? It’s all about helping struggling real musicians earn their way to their big break by hard work and songwriting (I’m being a satirical ass).

Anyway… Ashley gets stopped by the staff and is told she is “too big, too heavy??? to be in the front row and she was banished to the back row. Then when she tried to make her way to the 2nd row… she was stopped again and told she couldn’t be with the “skinny girls??? and her spot was taken by two “super skinny girls??? in little dresses.

Ashley wants an apology from the show. She wants everyone to know how she was treated.

Congratulations Ashley. Welcome to Hollywood, reality TV and all that jazz. You are the weakest link…. So what… you were selected to not be on camera because of your size. You’re a fan of the show, did you ever see any uglies up front? No… did you think this time was going to be different?

Let me let you in on a little secret…

American Idol= pop music. Pop music= Popular Music. Popular Music = spoon-fed crap.

Did you for a second think that the show that is just a popularity contest and not a real singing contest and in no way scientific was going to let you taint their image by being in the front row? I dont know how to break it to you kid, but the entertainment industry that you love to follow is filled with this impossible standards regular people have been fighting for years, just because you have always been on the other side (the home audience) and have never experienced the rules and cut throat policies they have is really not Idol’s problem.

The thing is, you probably won’t hear a response from them because IDOL knows this will blow over. They are a multi million dollar machine that cranks out pre made rock stars and they have weathered way bigger controversies than this one.

We can’t blame IDOL, we have only ourselves to blame. I had a simliar situation in the ninties in South Padre Island when we went to the taping of MTV’s spring break. They said our mohawks and tattoos were not what MTV wanted to portray (but if we had shitty jock tribal tattoos that would be ok) So we scaled the wall anyway, I think some obscure one hit wonder was playing I don’t know… But you see it all the time… I mean look at any reality show, you never see the Bachelor picking a big one, or most magazines will have incredibly petite women plastered all over them.

And before people start calling me mean or insensitive.. let me let you in on a little secret. I’m not a small man. Nope… I’m a beer swilling, steak eating, carb loadin’ son of a bitch and I love it. I am a large man, and I have become comfortable in the ogre’s body that the big guy upstairs saw it a laughing joke I should be with. And that’s fine, because I know, if I wanted to, I would diet, or make some drastic change and do it if I thought that would be something I wanted. But I don’t. I am not a member of the blue ribbon committee. I like to be reminded of my faults because the world is a cruel cold dark place, and none of us are sheltered forever.

I don’t play pop music. I play real music. I don’t have pop fans. I have real fans. Being comfortable with my size has let me do ok in life, and in affairs in the heart. I don’t get every girl, but I do good, and the one I really like, well I’ll win her over with my boyish charm (aka awful disposition for life). The thing is, we punch our weight (ohh bad pun) we do what we can, and we dont petition to demand to be let into some club that won’t have us. Screw that club. We start our own and go for it.

That’s reality. Welcome to the real world toots. Now shake it off and go live life.


The Dangerzone: It’s not me it’s you

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Sorry ladies, you won't wrangle Star Wars away from us!

Recently I came across this article through one of my facebook friends…

It’s basically about this book this chick wrote saying that most men live in “pre-adulthood” in their twenties, not really settling down, with their love of “Star Wars” and childish mannerisms… leaving many single women to wonder where all “the good men” have gone.

I guess what surprises me the most is the writer’s claim that since most young adult males have found “distractions” for growing up like video games and nights out with the boys… we aren’t in a hurry to grow up, and that since we aren’t “growing up” we aren’t the “best parts” of manhood.


Unlike the writer in this article… I won’t belittle you dear readers by generalizing one gender over another. I can only speak for myself and my friends. But since I’m commited to this, let me attack this thing in numbered “points”

1. Don’t talk trash about Star Wars (the article did it twice) It isn’t a movie for kids, it’s a movie for everyone, and it changed movie making and imagination for generations of kids to come. It’s a tale of good versus evil and is enjoyed by creators, writers, and cool people all over the world… I’m sorry if your unsatisfied ovaries can’t handle that nugget, but I know plenty of gals who also love the holy trilogy and well… that’s rude lady.

2. She states “a guy’s idea of a perfect night is a hang around the PlayStation with his bandmates, or a trip to Vegas with his college friends….” Yeah no kidding… It’s called balancing life out hon… He can’t be with you 24/7 we call that crazytown. And the guy only wants to live in Crazytown if he has to. (That’s about the time you pressure him for marriage) Truth is… you drag him to places he doesn’t want to go.. you make him wear that sweater, and he does it for you because well… you’re pretty, you cook better, and you’re pretty. But he can’t be with you all the time. He has these pesky things called friends, and see men as a whole usually keep their friends from childood (studies show more women change out friends after puberty, go figure) Truth is… wouldn’t you like to go to vegas with your friends and leave the sheltered life ? Yeah. we thought so double standard.

3. Hollywood started this. They made Slacker movies.. this is true. But if its one thing we learned from movies… it’s not real and an exaggerated view on life. Yes “40 year old virgin” was funny, but truthfully their wasn’t one cool geeky nerd in the audience who didn’t secretly want that collection of action figures. “Knocked up” featured a bumbling “hero” who stumbled through the movie… but honestly… it doesn’t just end with single dudes. They make our dads look stupid too… look at Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, and even Al Bundy… Hollywood seems big on making all men look stupid. We put up with it. Why? Because it’s the norm. Maybe… but let’s not blame this on young single people, Homer has been married for over 20 years now.

4. I find it hilarious that the writer makes the claim that with women’s rise to success… we have deteriorated. Here’s a news flash… America is becoming dumber in public schools with standardized testing. More people get their love advice from Cosmo than from a trusted advisor, and most people can’t even tell you who the vice president is… It’s a societal problem honeybunch… Men have just gotten stupider with everyone else.

5. I also find it funny how in the video of this article, the writer says that men do play a role… “financial”.

Look man.. here’s the rub. Who is to say that marriage, kids, and a career is everything? I don’t. And while I’m certain that may not qualify myself to score Ms. Ivy League I’m ok with that. Truth is… I will spend time playing video games with my band, I will go on trips with my boys (comic conventions mostly) and we will have a blast. I will also spend time with my lady, and if she is the right kind of lady whe will want to adventure with me. The thing is, I don’t see why being complacent is the “right thing to do.” I don’t want a boring job. Dear God no. I like my Star Wars stuff. I like reading comic books, it’s an escape. I love video games. I don’t see why “manning up” means being boring.

To be fair… I also like girls who like the same thing…

And maybe that’s their problem. Maybe instead of looking for us in bars, concerts, parties (you know fun places you like to go to) Maybe you should find the person you’re looking for where he will be found. Like Conservative singles websites or volunteer centers… Cause you sure as hell won’t find people like us there. But let’s be honest.. most girls (Cosmo told us) are looking to hook up with Mr. Bad Guy anyway.. So why are people surprised when he doesn’t change.

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they wont.”

What TV just can’t get right

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

You know, I have to hand it to modern television. It’s come a long way. Particularly in the realm of science fiction. You have almost anything Joss Whedon creates which becomes well written, thought out and executed (and ultimately cancelled) you have various shows like “Lost” and others which captures the imagination and keeps you guessing. Yes… it seems like anything from Aliens to space to horror-ish stuff has had a pretty successful life with TV the last ten years or so… except for one genre…


TV just cant get them right. The closest they came was to the first season of “Heroes” and that’s really only because they weren’t super heroes, they were regular people being hunted by a really bad villain. But with the exception of some well done cartoons, live action superhero shows… well… they suck.

Case in point: 2 recent shows to hit the last year…

#1 No Ordinary Family. Ugh. This show looked stupid to begin with. I don’t know why I bothered to tune in. This is obviously drivel that is spewed out to the masses because of the success of “family super hero programs” like the Fantastic Four movies, The Incredibles, etc. The synopsis? Take a family (wow) that is on the verge of being dysfunctional (you dont say) and give them super powers. But… we use the same old tired sitcom family setup… You know… bumbling overweight dad who is a little dumb but has a heart of gold… his wife who is too hot for him, so it really shows off his nice guy personality, and two teenagers who don’t care for their parents or each other. See… at least “The Incredibles” was animated and I could watch for that… this well, it offers nothing.

#2 THE CAPE. The Cape is the newest awful show to hit the airwaves. At first I got excited because I heard Summer Glau was going to be in it. Then I realized after watching the trailer… that not even the beautiful Summer could save this. The Cape centers around a cop who is framed and believed dead. He adopts the role as a fictional comic book super hero to avenge himself and prove to his son that “one person can make a difference.” In truth if one person could make a difference, I wish one executive would have actually gone to a comic book store and read ONE freakin comic book to know that this is absolute crap. The show looks like it’s a 90′s WB sci fi show (You know what I’m talking about) and the script is wooden and the plot lame… (get this kids… his cape is made of *snicker* spider silk… and is stronger than Kevlar…hahahaha). The Cape lives in a world where bad guys are just evil.And I guess that would be fine if I was reading a comic book in the fifties. But folks a strange thing has happened the last 60 years of comic books… They became well written and fans became smarter….

People arent evil just to be evil. They dont fight wars because they are bad guys, the fight wars because they believe they are right. A villain has reasons for being a villain. Not because he just wants to be a bad guy. A super hero probably wouldnt want his family in on the business… these are all things we have to think about before we sign our names on a show that everyone sees.

I know I’m being a jerk, but honestly, I didn’t get into comics because it was trendy, I was reading these when being a nerd wasn’t chic. You got uninvited to a party if you talked about spiderman in my day… So it’s weird to see people only celebrate nerd culture when it’s popular to do so. As a result we will continue to see half ass produced TV shows given to the masses.

Chew on that space boy.